The war against the dark lord president Rodrigo Duterte is not going well; even the Muggle governments are noticing. Ron Weasley scans the obituary pages of Philippine Daily Inquirer, Business World and Manila Times (except Philippine Star because they have a bold star as a writer) looking for familiar names of those killed in his “War on Drugs.” Head Master Noynoy Aquino is absent from his house in Times for long stretches of time, and the Order of the Yellow Phoenix has already suffered losses, although Senator De Lima is still alive.

As in all wars, life goes on. So here at geek god review, like Harry Potter, we will search for the full and complex story of the boy who became dark lord Duterte to search for his Horcruxes, objects containing fragments of his soul. Duterte created these objects after killing suspected drug suspects (and Catholic priests blabbering about EJKs), for the sole purpose of attaining immortality.

Only after destroying his seven Horcruxes can the dark lord be mortal again. So here are his seven Horcruxes that we need to find and destroy:

1st Horcrux: The Narco-Politicians List

The list of what dark lord Duterte claimed as Narco-Politicians is the first object he had turned into a Horcrux. This list is also powerful. If his Death Eaters called Cabinet officials see it fit to include your name in the list, you’ll probably end up in jail, or be shot dead in the street, or in jail and be shot dead still. Which kind of make sense because half of those names in the list were already dead, pending editing of those idiotic Death Eaters. This list is inside Malacañang, the presidential palace, probably on his bedside table because it was rumored that he loved to embrace it while sleeping. So destroying it means we need a tour in the palace, present rates apply. Let’s book it now.

2nd Horcrux: The Four Stars of General Bato

General Bato is his right-hand man, the chief of the Philippine Police agency. This man’s star goes from zero to four in just a blink of an eye. Before that, no, the Horcrux is not his shiny head but each of the four stars in his uniform, so destroying it means we need to enter Camp Crame (just pretend that you’re there for a swim), and wait until Bato takes off his uniform, so you might see him naked which is not a good prospect at all, but hey this is for the Greater Good.

3rd Horcrux: The P211 million bank account in BPI

Former Death Eater-turned-spy Senator Trillanes tried but failed to destroy this Horcrux, leaving this note behind:

To the Dark Lord,

“I know I will be dead long before you read this but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret. I have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can. I face death in the hope that when you meet your match you will be mortal once more.”

AFT

So it is up to us to search for the real account/Horcrux and continue Trillanes’ fight post May elections. For that we need a Goblin and a useful Imperio spell.

4th Horcrux: The “Hello Garci” phone of President Arroyo

Legend has it that the phone device used by dark witch president Arroyo during her reign of terror to contact one of the election officials (“Hello Garci? Yung Two million votes ko?”) was turned by Arroyo into a Horcrux but was later destroyed by Head Master Aquino in 2010. Duterte know this, so he pardoned Arroyo (because duh birds with the same feather…), asked for the phone device, turned it into a Horcrux once again (after pushing a suspected drug user from a flying helicopter), and gave the device to Arroyo, his most loyal servant at this point, for safe keeping.

5th Horcrux: The Yellow “tsinelas” (slippers) of Vice President Robredo

Duterte invited Vice President Robredo to his cabinet for the sole purpose of getting a pair of her iconic yellow tsinelas or slippers. When he succeeded in doing so, he turned it into a Horcrux, turning hundreds of yellow Aurors in Congress as his allies in the process (because money). And oh, of course, Vice President Robredo, please “desist” from attending cabinet meetings from now on.

6th Horcrux: Senator Alan Peter Cayetano himself

Yes you can use animals as a Horcrux but as head master Aquino said: “It is inadvisable to confide a part of your soul to something that can think and move for itself…(it) is obviously a very risky business…” but Cayetano cannot move and think for himself so Duterte is safe, and also because 2022 is near so he needs to stay below the radar which means not commenting on anything against the “hero’s burial” of the greatest dark lord of them all, the dark lord Ferdinand Marcos. This is except when he wants to post a rant online against the media (including, but not limited to, a certain broadcast company).

7th Horcrux: The Body (or wax or what’s left of it) of Dictator Ferdinand Marcos

The hardest Horcrux to be destroyed is the body or wax or residue of the dark lord Ferdinand Marcos, the man responsible for thousands of murder in his time in the style of Pol Pot, but hey he built bridges so he’s great!

To be able to exhume the wax, we need to march on to the heavily guarded Libingan ng mga Bayani (at isang magnanakaw) (English Translation: Heroes Cemetery and a Thief). For that we need the Order of the Yelloe Phoenix, the Yellow Aurors, Aquino’s Army, some centaurs, and, yes, some house elves too so we could destroy this last Horcrux and win the Battle of Malacañang.

Derived from the Huffington Post article “We’ve Identified The 7 Horcruxes Needed To Vanquish Donald Trump” by Andy McDonald. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-7-horcruxes-needed-to-vanquish-donald-trump_us_5877c13ae4b0c42cb1757391)